I have two wonderful and amazing children. They have the brightest smiles in the world and they are the strongest littlest humans imaginable. The little things they accomplish shock and amaze me daily. They are terrors. They are boys. Somehow that all makes it that much worse.
Boys are dirty. They are gross and they don't care.
I have found myself sometimes marveling at my own ability to keep calm when I find my oldest playing in the toilet with his own poo. We calmly "wipe the booty" wash hands and move on with our day as if this is a normal human thing to do. I clean up vomit without a single gag or vomiting and gently rub my sons head as he cries because his "tummy no feel ok." I have been peed on while changing diapers and I have managed to laugh because it has landed in my mouth (double gross people). I have found food in the strangest places and I have willingly shared a plate of food with my 3 year old since he was able to eat table food. I juggle two kids out in public daily and smile so sweetly when people exclaim "that I have my hands full" (uh duh) but don't offer me any assistance when juggling a stroller and a screaming one year old and groceries. I try hard to forgive my husband for not giving me a free day without kids even though he promised and apologizing to people because I have to bring my kids with me everywhere because people are too afraid to watch my youngest because of his condition. I smile at a pediatrician who tells me that we need to feed our youngest more because we are basically starving him and that he needs to gain weight and eat more formula and no more baby food because we are doing the wrong thing. Heck I managed to pack up and unpack a whole house by myself while watching two kids!!! I am amazing......but why don't I feel like it?
This year my husband was eligible for an all expense paid trip to the Cayman Islands through his job. He will have to attend two one hour conferences but the rest of the time he is able to party it up. We were hoping that Ollie would be on a bottle weeks ago so we could get my passport and I could go with him. Sadly little man wouldn't take the bottle soon enough to I gave up my spot and told my husband to take his friend instead. It wasn't so hard at first but the more my husband has been talking about the trip more I became jealous of him. He is able to have a spa day and sit by the beach and eat whatever he wants to and wake up late.....Why don't I get a vacation??
Then that feeling of guilt sinks in, My husband works hard and provides for my family and myself every day. He deserves this special treat. He should have fun and enjoy himself. I love my kids, I want to be around them. I love to make them laugh and learn new things with them. I love my husband and he has worked so hard to get us everything we need and why not enjoy this luxury?
After struggling with all these feelings I finally spent some time locked in my bathroom in tears. I had only one person to look to for help and that was my Heavenly Father. I plead with Him to take these feelings away and help me to understand why I must go through these struggles. Why do I have to feel so alone? Why do I have to be angry at my husband for not looking and seeing that I need help? What more is needed of me? When will this feeling go away?
A memory popped in my head from the time we went to the temple I had a feeling similar to this. It was our first time going through and we were being sealed and I was pregnant with my oldest. I was worried that I wouldn't be a good enough mommy. We were sitting in the celestial room and I heard a loud whisper in my ear "you are doing the right thing, I love you" it was not my husband or a stranger. Again while kneeling on the bathroom floor that smelled a lot like "boy" I was reminded again that I am doing the right thing and that He loves me.
It's a lonely struggle and even my husband doesn't understand the work it takes to get the kids bathed and ready for bed at night. Or how nap time is a cherished time and it is not to be taken away from me. We all have a moments where we feel inadequate but I can tell you that you are doing the best you can and it shows every day. The house may be dirty, the kids may be gross and covered in mud, but they have a smile on their face and YOU put it there. Dinner my be cooked out of a box or from Pizza Hut but you remembered to put it on the table non the less. The little things count. Clean sheets on the bed are a blessing. A swept floor or perhaps just a wiped down counter is huge. It takes so much to find the energy to do that but YOU DID IT!!!
Do I wish for a vacation?? Every day!! Do I wish I could go to the spa? Absolutely!! Can I just forget the kids and go?? Nope, Never gonna happen. I'm a mommy! Every day has been a struggle and it doesn't seem to get easier as my kids get older. I constantly feel like a "bad mommy" as I see specialists with my kid. I am constantly told by strangers on how I can do better. Today I stand up and say I am doing the best I can do. I don't get days or nights off and I manage to keep these kids alive. I am an amazing mom and I don't know a better way of doing it.
We are all wonderful, exhausted, beautiful mommies (or daddies) and I see that in all of us. Remember that no one can do what you do. I know we all have struggles that are swallowed down deep but know that I feel it too. We're amazing and that's what we do and we couldn't do it any better because we don't know how to do it any other way.
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