Part II—The Birth
S and K came to stay with us for a few days before R was born. After seeing Monica and Chandler (Friends) being there when their babies were born, I really wanted R’s family there when he was born. I wanted him to come straight out and have K, his mother, be the first person he saw. I was adopted and my birth parents also came to be an extra support for me. The moms all got our nails done, we went swimming, and had a big pizza party with everyone the night before the induction. That extra time with them was so reassuring. The next morning at around 6am, my mom, K, and I went to the hospital to start the induction. We knew it would take a while, so we told everyone else to just come and go as they pleased. Daddy was on-call the night before, so when he got off work, he came still in scrubs and slept on the little couch in my room. S and their little boy came to visit for a while. And then my birth parents were there for most of it. My birth father kept taking pictures and videos during conrractions, which I did not love, but I’m glad I have them now. My birth mom, wow. I can’t imagine, knowing what this feels like, how hard it was for her to sit there and watch me do it. But she did, and to me at least, the whole day felt like R’s birthday party.
I’m not going to talk about the labor part, because I feel like I was given bad advice and my medical decisions were made for me. Needless to say, after more than twelve hours of labor, I was wheeled back to the OR for a cesarean. It was really hard to pick who should go with me. I wanted my mom. But I also still wanted K to be the first person R saw. K was very sweet and made the decision for me so that I wouldn’t have to feel guilty choosing my mom. I have to give my mom credit here, she was a spectacular doula, even though we didn’t even know what a doula was then! She stroked my hair which helped keep me calm, noticed and told them I was cold so I could get the heaters on, put a washcloth on my head and asked for Zofran when I was nauseous, she brought R over to see me as soon as she could, and gave me a play-by-play until then. She did everything she could to make a really scary birth experience as comfortable and happy as it could be. And then she took R out to meet his parents. I wish so bad I could have been there for that and I’m so glad there are lots of pictures. I especially love one of S with tears in his eyes as he held R for the first time.
I got to hold R for the first time in recovery. I don’t do well with anesthesia and was still pretty loopy, so I don’t remember much. I remember being shocked by how gorgeous he was, and then telling mom I was going to throw-up and asking if I should lean over the edge of the bed or just puke in my lap? She popped up, grabbed R, then ran around the room like a crazy looking for a bucket or something, and finally handed me a bedpan just in time! That memory still makes me giggle. The only other thing I remember from the rest of the night was showing all of the nurses a picture of R on my phone every time they came in to take my vitals. He was the most beautiful baby ever and they NEEDED to see him!
The rest of the hospital stay was pure bliss, the calm before the storm. I knew what I was going to have to do, but for those few days, he was mine and I was pretending he always would be. I hardly slept because I just wanted to look at him and memorize every detail of his beautiful little face. Friends came to visit and I was so thrilled to show R off; now though, I am so thankful for the love they showed me then and in the weeks that followed when I felt like the world was ending. The last night, I didn’t sleep for even a minute. I didn’t want our time to be over, I didn’t want to let him go.
All too soon, the sun came up and it was time to go. My sweet mom packed up my stuff for me so I could hold R as long as I could. She took a couple of pictures too, and to this day, it’s too painful to keep them but I could never let them go. Up until that point, everything with S, K, and the adoption agency had been very casual, so it kind of felt like jumping into a cold swimming pool when the man from the agency came in with paperwork and did a little ceremony. I can see how that might bring closure for some moms and might feel like a “Once upon a time. . .” beginning for the new family, but I hate goodbyes and making it formal like that made that one even worse. I wanted to spend some time together like we had been, and then go our separate ways except R would be theirs. I said my goodbyes, and just like that, he was gone.
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