Determined

I have a friend that inspired me to choose a word for the year and use that word to make the year worth everything it can be. This would be my new years resolution summed up in a single word. I chose the word Determination. Boy did I give myself a word to live up to.

Soon after the year began I was "determined" to stick to my word. I was going to work hard to live a healthier lifestyle, to be an awesome mother, love my husband more,be a positive happy person, and accept whatever life hands me with a smile. I bombed miserably. If I was to pick a word today to describe the past months it would be "mediocre."

Since January my family has moved back to our home state. It has become such a blessing to be closer to family. We are able to have a closer relationship for our kids with their grandparents and we have a lot of support when we need it.
We have been able to celebrate the first birthday of my youngest son with family and be grateful for all the things he has accomplished since birth.
We are going to welcome a third addition to our family (another boy) in December and so far he is healthy and strong.
My husband is working a great job and providing for us. He is a hard working man and it shows everyday.

So what's the problem??? Why mediocre??
My attitude has been terrible...............

Every day has been a struggle for me. Each day I get up and I know I have to argue with a three year old and stress about my youngest who won't take a spoon and will only eat formula out of a bottle. I constantly fight to get the best treatment for my son when people just want us to choose the easiest way out. I get funny looks when I tell people that my youngest baby is almost 18 months even though he still acts like a 6 month old. I feel my family judging me because my three year old isn't doing what they think he should be doing. They constantly complain about how much energy he has and how exhausting he is to be around. Since our pregnancy with number three, I have felt exhausted every day and less and less beautiful as the days go by. I feel that people feel sorry for us because we are having another baby when we should have waited for our youngest to develop more and be a little more independent. I have so many feels these days!!!!
I can't possibly be the only person out there feeling all these feels by myself right???????
SO!!! Lets suck it up!! Move on!

Let us bring back the determination!!!
Today I will move on an do what I know is best for my family. People may give up on us but I won't give up on us. I will do every possible thing to help my youngest (almost middle child) succeed in everything possible. I will learn that an argument with my three year old is his way of expressing his independence and personality. Instead of arguing back I will discuss the options because why should I be arguing with a three year old?? I'm older and smarter than this!!!
I will be proud of my family and our accomplishments. They are such a big part of my life and I honestly wouldn't change it for anything. I need to see more blessings and be grateful for what we have accomplished and not look at what must be done.
Who cares if the hair dresser cut my hair badly and made my cute pixie cut look like a male hair cut!!! I'm going to rock this look until I grow it out again! I will remind myself that sometimes adding a little mascara or even painting my fingers and toes can make me feel beautiful and feminine and that it's ok to get dolled up for no reason (even if it is to just get peed and pooed on).

I am determination, without it I wouldn't have gotten this far and without it I won't get any further. Let's work together and make the most out of the rest of this year and be the best we can be. It is exhausting and tiresome but so worth the work.

Part 3 - The Aftermath: An Adoption Story

Here is the final post in Paige's 3 part series about her putting her son up for adoption. Thank you so much Paige for sharing your story with our blog! 

Part III—The Aftermath

There were so many tender mercies that happened during my post-partum period and it really reinforced that when God asks you to do impossible things, He will support you through it.  Actually, I could see the blessings when they were happening, but I was too miserable to care.  The appreciation and reinforcement came later, only stronger and in a different way than I experienced it as I lived it.  For example, I bought a puppy while I was pregnant, and even though I was mad at him for not being R when I got home from the hospital (rational, I know), that little dog never left my side while I was recovering from the cesarean and ended up being a huge blessing.  I needed him.  

The first night without R was the hardest.  The social worker came with the “no changing your mind after this” paperwork and with it, he brought me a present from S and K.  They had printed off all of the pictures from the hospital and like 100 more from that afternoon; there was also a scrapbook and all kinds of paper, stickers, and everything I could need to make a beautiful memory book of my time with R.  If I hadn’t already been crying, that totally would have made me cry!  Also, right before he came with the paperwork, a friend showed up with TCBY; he sat with me while I signed the papers, and then watched a movie with me—by that I mean he kept me company while I cried and cried and cried.

Because of the state laws, S, K and the boys had to stay in my state for two weeks after the birth.  They came to visit a few times, and that was another huge blessing.  I mean who wants to stop seeing their baby cold-turkey?  My whole family enjoyed that extra time and it was a good transition for me from “my baby” to “their baby,” even though he was always their baby.  I remember very well the last time I got to see him that trip.  K let me have a little alone time with him, so I took him up to my room, kind of curled up in a ball around him, and sang James Taylor’s “You’ve Got a Friend” to him.  My daddy use to sing my sisters and I to sleep with that one.  Taking him downstairs after that was almost as hard as handing him over at the hospital.  No words.

Over the next few months, I got to see R four or five times.  I really needed to see him that much in the beginning.  Even though I’ve only seen him a couple of times since he was one, not a day goes by that I don’t think about him and wonder what he’s doing and if he’s happy.  I love him just as much as I love my other children.  I hope he never doubts that and that some day he will understand that I made the decision I did because I love him.  Having my other children has definitely helped me heal; my arms don’t physically ache from being empty anymore.  I’m also pretty sure I appreciate my children more than I would have, and that makes me a better mother than I would have been without this experience.  So I guess that is the silver lining.  But like the death of a loved one, adoption for a birth mother is something that you don’t get over, you just get used to it.  

So there it is, my first and maybe only attempt to tell our adoption story.  I know I didn’t do it justice, that the pictures and feelings in my head and heart can’t really be communicated.  I guess if you get anything out of my story, I would want it to be that God cares about us individually.  He guides us to make the best decisions for our lives and our children’s lives, He puts specific people in our paths for a reason, He shows us love, kindness, and mercy when we need it most, He heals us, and He loves families.

Part 2 - The Birth: An Adoption Story

Here is part 2 of Paige's story!

Part II—The Birth

S and K came to stay with us for a few days before R was born.  After seeing Monica and Chandler (Friends) being there when their babies were born, I really wanted R’s family there when he was born.  I wanted him to come straight out and have K, his mother, be the first person he saw.  I was adopted and my birth parents also came to be an extra support for me.  The moms all got our nails done, we went swimming, and had a big pizza party with everyone the night before the induction.  That extra time with them was so reassuring.  The next morning at around 6am, my mom, K, and I went to the hospital to start the induction.  We knew it would take a while, so we told everyone else to just come and go as they pleased.  Daddy was on-call the night before, so when he got off work, he came still in scrubs and slept on the little couch in my room.  S and their little boy came to visit for a while.  And then my birth parents were there for most of it.  My birth father kept taking pictures and videos during conrractions, which I did not love, but I’m glad I have them now.  My birth mom, wow.  I can’t imagine, knowing what this feels like, how hard it was for her to sit there and watch me do it.  But she did, and to me at least, the whole day felt like R’s birthday party.  

I’m not going to talk about the labor part, because I feel like I was given bad advice and my medical decisions were made for me.  Needless to say, after more than twelve hours of labor, I was wheeled back to the OR for a cesarean.  It was really hard to pick who should go with me.  I wanted my mom.  But I also still wanted K to be the first person R saw.  K was very sweet and made the decision for me so that I wouldn’t have to feel guilty choosing my mom.  I have to give my mom credit here, she was a spectacular doula, even though we didn’t even know what a doula was then!  She stroked my hair which helped keep me calm, noticed and told them I was cold so I could get the heaters on, put a washcloth on my head and asked for Zofran when I was nauseous, she brought R over to see me as soon as she could, and gave me a play-by-play until then.  She did everything she could to make a really scary birth experience as comfortable and happy as it could be.  And then she took R out to meet his parents.  I wish so bad I could have been there for that and I’m so glad there are lots of pictures.  I especially love one of S with tears in his eyes as he held R for the first time.

I got to hold R for the first time in recovery.  I don’t do well with anesthesia and was still pretty loopy, so I don’t remember much.  I remember being shocked by how gorgeous he was, and then telling mom I was going to throw-up and asking if I should lean over the edge of the bed or just puke in my lap?  She popped up, grabbed R, then ran around the room like a crazy looking for a bucket or something, and finally handed me a bedpan just in time!  That memory still makes me giggle.  The only other thing I remember from the rest of the night was showing all of the nurses a picture of R on my phone every time they came in to take my vitals.  He was the most beautiful baby ever and they NEEDED to see him!

The rest of the hospital stay was pure bliss, the calm before the storm.  I knew what I was going to have to do, but for those few days, he was mine and I was pretending he always would be.  I hardly slept because I just wanted to look at him and memorize every detail of his beautiful little face.  Friends came to visit and I was so thrilled to show R off; now though, I am so thankful for the love they showed me then and in the weeks that followed when I felt like the world was ending.  The last night, I didn’t sleep for even a minute.  I didn’t want our time to be over, I didn’t want to let him go.

All too soon, the sun came up and it was time to go.  My sweet mom packed up my stuff for me so I could hold R as long as I could.  She took a couple of pictures too, and to this day, it’s too painful to keep them but I could never let them go.  Up until that point, everything with S, K, and the adoption agency had been very casual, so it kind of felt like jumping into a cold swimming pool when the man from the agency came in with paperwork and did a little ceremony.  I can see how that might bring closure for some moms and might feel like a “Once upon a time. . .” beginning for the new family, but I hate goodbyes and making it formal like that made that one even worse.  I wanted to spend some time together like we had been, and then go our separate ways except R would be theirs.  I said my goodbyes, and just like that, he was gone.

Part 1-The Decisions: An Adoption Story

Becca here! My wonderful sister Paige, was brave enough to write about putting her son up for adoption. This is going to be a 3 part series that will be posted over the next 3 days. Thank you so much Paige for sharing this for the world to see, love you!

I have never put our story down in words.  It is something so sacred to me that I just never could.  How do you give your baby to someone else to raise?  Explaining this feels like trying to write a Ph.D. dissertation with a kindergarten vocabulary.  You can try, but it’s not going to be very good.  So here we go: 

Part I—The Decisions

I looked down at the little stick, knowing without a doubt in my mind that it would be negative.  It wasn’t.  Before any of the questions, fears, or doubts came, the first thing I remember feeling was love.  It was warm and all-encompassing, and peaceful.  I walked out of the bathroom, still holding the stick, with a stunned look on my face.  My roommate was standing right there; she took one look at me and grabbed the stick out of my hand.  Of all of the people on this planet, she was who I needed right then—the perfect blend of “Oh my gosh, you’re having a baby!!!” and “Oh my gosh, what the heck are you going to do!?!”  My boyfriend, B, was coming to pick me up for church, so we decided I would take another test and talk to him then if I needed to.  

I really don’t remember much about that day besides the initial lovey feelings, the fact that B was in a suit when I told him, and the anxiety as I procrastinated telling my parents.  I finally got up the nerve to call them around 11pm their time.  I called Daddy because I hoped he would react in a semi-supportive way, but he hung up on me and that was pretty jarring.  In retrospect, that was the right thing to do—he didn’t say anything hurtful with that initial surprise and disappointment—but at the time, it felt like a slap in the face.  

He and my mom called back the next day and we all talked about what to do.  Abortion was never an option.  Never.  B and I decided to get married, because that’s what you’re “supposed to” do.  I had already turned down two proposals from him before the pregnancy, I knew it wasn’t right, but now that there was a baby involved I was going to do it anyway because I wanted that baby.  By the time I went home for Christmas, there was no more denying it: marrying B was not what God wanted for my child and my life.  I still wanted to parent my baby though, so I announced that that’s what I was going to do.  My parents thought I should place the baby for adoption and dragged me to counseling and my church’s social services counselor over break.  I was prideful and I didn’t hear a word of it.  “Some girls have a hard time as a single 19 year-old mom, but that’s not me.”  “I can do this by myself, I don’t need a man,” were my thoughts.  I made plans to move back home until I had the baby to get a little space from B. 

This part, I have the hardest time explaining: over the next two weeks, my heart changed.  Words don’t exist for what I felt.  I can’t tell you a specific thought or experience or even day when it all changed because it wasn’t a conscious decision.  It was literally my heart did a super slow 180 and, instead of wanting what I wanted for us, I wanted what Heavenly Father wanted for us: adoption.  Never for one second from then until now have I liked that that’s what God wanted.  That was never and still isn’t what I want.  But more than I want what I want, I want what He wants, especially for the precious little person that was growing inside of me and was now my responsibility.

When I got home, I met with the counselor and got started finding my sweetheart’s family.  I wanted everything for him.  Most important, I wanted an open adoption.  That wasn’t done then, so I knew that was going to be tricky.  I trusted God though that if He was going to require this sacrifice, He would make a way for me to watch my baby grow up.  I wanted him to have siblings, I wanted them to be in the South so I could see him sometimes, and I wanted him to have a mom home with him like my mom was.  There were a hundred other things, but those were my biggies.  I found his family relatively early in my search, but they didn’t live in the South, so I put their names on my “maybe” list.  They had a little boy already, and from reading their profile I felt like they really loved each other, the kind of love I wanted modeled for my child.  I found three or four other profiles that had everything I wanted, so I took those in to the agency and asked them to e-mail them and ask about open adoption.

A week or two later, I had an ultrasound and they printed off some pictures for me.  I think I even brought them to my appointment to show the social worker, I was so excited about my little!  There was one picture of his feet, a view from the bottom, which was especially sweet to me.  At the appointment, I was devastated to hear that none of my families were agreeable to an open adoption.  Seriously devastated.  Like I cried in the appointment.  I went home and started my search all over again.  I started with my “maybe” list, looking a little more in detail at those families.  His family, S and K, had a website with pictures for their older son’s birth mother and prospective parents to look at.  I opened the page and immediately got goosebumps.  The picture at the top of the page was S and K’s hands and their son’s feet in exactly the same position as the ultrasound picture of my baby.  I think I knew then that they were his family, so I kept looking at their pictures and falling in love with them.  I prayed and felt like that was confirmed, but I didn’t want to let myself admit it until I knew their feelings about open adoption.  The agency e-mailed them and they would consider it!!!  I was flooded with relief!  I had found them and that I was going to get everything that was important to me (K is from the South, so he might not live here, but he has a Southern mother and that is more than good enough for me).  We started communicating and even met once during the pregnancy.  K was such a source of comfort during that difficult time and I loved getting to know her and felt like she was the grown-up version of who I wanted to be.  I didn’t really get to know S well at the time, but from my interactions with him since, he reminds me of my Daddy.  That is literally the highest praise I could give to any man.  Placing your baby with another family to raise is the worst, but knowing S and K are his family makes it infinitely easier.

My Life as a Chosen Baby: Margie's Story

My life as a "chosen" baby.

My name is Margie and I am a very proud mum to 5 gorgeous individuals, one being the gorgeous Meghan. 

I was born on June 13 1961 at The Royal Melbourne Hospital in Melbourne, Australia. 

I was the first born to Aileen Fraser and Brian Egan and was given the name AnnMarie Therese Fraser. 

My birth mother kept me for the ten days that she was in hospital, then had to hand me over for adoption. In those days there was a seven day cooling off period, so before the end of that time, she came and got me back.

Her parents were totally against this and the pregnancy, as they were strict Catholics. Both my birth parents tried their best to keep me, but were unable to, so at three months of age, I was handed over for adoption.

In September in 1961 I met and went to live with my forever family. I was the youngest of 4, Mum and Dad adopted all four of us. John the eldest, Anne Marie and Peter, the twins and then me. I was given a new name: Margaret Mary Richards.

We lived on a farm in country Victoria and then moved to another farm, in country New South Wales. In 1969, we moved to Geelong, Victoria, where my family still lives. 

Growing up, times were tough, but we never went without. The love and care were always on hand and of course, I was daddy's little girl.

I don't know when we were told we were adopted, but it was never hidden from us. In saying that, we weren't treated any different from anybody else. We were their kids, end of story.

I grew up in a home with love, warmth, and rules. I was taught to love and give respect, to work for what I wanted and be kind to others even if they were unkind to me. We were taught not to question mum or dad when they said No. I loved my life.

I wasn't interested in knowing my birth mother until I became a mum myself. After a lot of soul searching, I started the process. It took a while but finally, success! 

I discovered that my birth parents had married and had 5 more children, that gave me 4 more brothers and another sister......wow! 

Sadly, my relationship with my birth parents and 3 of the boys is almost non existent. I won't give the long, boring story, but it wasn't through not trying.

I have a great, no a fantastic, relationship with my sister and her hubby and daughter and a great relationship with the eldest brother, his wife and their baby son. I don't see them often, but when I do it's good. For those we don't see, my thoughts are "it's their loss".

I have a fantastic family and feel honoured to have been chosen. I believe my life couldn't be better. 

My wonderful Dad

My beautiful Mum on my daughter's wedding day. 

Me with my brothers and sister as kids. 

In Dubai with my sister, Janine.

The love of my life, Ken. 

Meet Erin's Mom

This is my Mom... Ellie!

Birthday: August 10th

Number of kids: 6 (4 girls, 2 boys)

Favorite color: Pink (pale yellow and Aqua are my next)

Favorite food: shrimp (grilled) and schnitzel

 

Favorite TV show: Currently Big Bang Theory. 

Charmed , Bewitched and Mash

Favorite flower:  Rose and forget me nots

Favorite perfume:  currently Burberry Brit (most Burberry) 

Some fun facts about me: 

 I traveled all over Europe at the age of 16/17 and turned 17 while I was traveling.  Had my passport stolen in Paris another trip and had to pass the border into Germany without it and prayer helped me not get detected. I'm afraid of moths - was even chased by one down the golf course.  Almost jumped out of a moving car to get away from a cricket at my feet- luckily Erin's dad stopped the car fast enough but the door was open and I was about to bail.  

How I felt the first time I found out I was going to be a mom: Excited, scared, overwhelmed, happy, and blessed. (Felt this each time I had a baby, but being overwhelmed and scared was bigger with the first time -after that I wasn't as overwhelmed or scared) 

    I love my mom! It is that simple, and even more so now that we live thousands of miles apart! My mom taught me how to be the mom I am today. She is the best grandma, and it is the sweetest thing to watch my son with her and now since we moved talk to her on facetime and for Elijah to know who she is to him and love her. My mom would do pretty much anything for her kids, and anyone really. She gave up so much of her time and money to take care of her sister who had cancer, she drove all the way to Vegas to take of her (from Cali) and then when my aunt  wasn't able to leave her bed, my mom went back to Vegas and brought her back to California to take care of her. In fact she gave up her living room to have my aunt stay there, until she passed away last year. That is the type of mom I have! I am blessed to have an example like that. I love my mom, she is one of my closest friends and I miss our weekly mom/daughter dates! Things just aren't the same without them... Thanks for being a great mom. Happy Mother's Day, Love you mom. 

Meet Kelseas momma!

Say Hello to my mom... Lisa!

Birthday: August 31, 1964

Number of kids: Three . 29, 26, 20

Favorite color: Blue

Favorite food: Steak

Favorite TV show: I like a lot of tv shows but my current fave is Grimm. 

Favorite flower: Daisies 

Favorite perfume: I don't have one :) 

Some fun facts about me: I love scary movies. I was born with a black eye, I can't drink water out of a bathroom sink. Lol. Mine are really weird. I like raw meat. I have 8 dogs. 

How I felt the first time I found out I was going to be a mom: I was excited, no apprehension. I was little fearful because our oldest was so early. 

When I think of my mom I think of many things. She is the most giving person and will do anything to help someone in need. She worked hard raising her three kids and had fun doing it. She would drop anything to help out her kids. Next to my husband, she is the first person I see when I wake up from surgery, the person I talk to about problems in my life and someone I can count on. She was (and still is..) the coolest mom. Growing up our house was the place to be, she knows how to have fun and still be the parent you feared if you got out of line ;) thank you mom for always being there and for giving all of you to your kids. We love you! 

Meet Becca's Mom!

Meet my mom, Jill!! (She is freakin' awesome!)

My mom and Alice Cooper

When is your birthday? May 13th
How many kids do you have? Four girls! (I am number 3)
What is your favorite color? Blush, which is like a peachy pink.
What is your favorite food? Homemade bread and homemade oatmeal raisin cookies.
(side note: she makes both, and they are incredible)
What is your favorite tv show? So You Think You Can Dance! (one of mine too)
What is your favorite flower? It is between hydrangeas and daffodils.
What is your favorite perfume? Pink Sugar
Some fun facts about my mom:
- I love to work out, especially for the feeling I get when I’m done.
- I love to bake!
- I love sewing (side note: she is amazing at it. She sewed us dresses all the time growing up, she has made carseat canopies for all her grand babies, and she has sewn dresses for her granddaughters. She really is amazing).
How did you feel when you first found out you were going to be a mom? Words cannot express the sheer joy I felt when I was able to finally be a mom. Ecstatic!!!  My life dreams becoming fulfilled.

My mom is the epitome of selflessness. She is the type of person who will drop anything and come to your side when you need her. She stayed with me in the hospital when Harper had her surgery because Bryan wasn't able to because of work. She is the woman who flew to be with her beautiful Mom during the last few months of her life here on earth. She helped take care of her, took her to and from the hospital, etc. She is the woman who talks to me on a daily basis even though we live 30 minutes away from each other. I want to be like my mom. She has set an incredible example for me and how I want to live my life. She made me want to be a mom because she has been such an incredible mother to my sisters and I. I love her so much and am so happy that I have her in my life. Happy Mother's Day to the best lady ever!!

Meet Courtney's Mom

When is your birthday? September 14

How many kids do you have? 4 (Courtney is the only girl)

Favorite Food? Cannoli's and chocolate 

What is your favorite TV Show? All Creatures Great And Small

Favorite flower?  Blue Hydrangea 

Favorite Perfume? Lavender scent

Fun Facts: 

Love horses and caring for them was once a hobby but now profession. She is heavily involved in pony club and has ran several rallies in the last couple years. Her passion is her family and her horses.

 

My mom has always been an amazingly strong person. She has been known to go out of her way to embarrass her kids when we were teenagers just because she can. We tease her relentlessly because it's so easy and she takes it like a sport. She is an easy person to talk to and always listens. She is tough and courageous but super sweet and gentle at the same time. She patiently waits for you and is willing to forgive you of anything. Most days I work hard to not be like her but the harder I try the more I realize I have my mom programmed into me permanently and somehow I'm ok with that. She raised me to be strong and independent, she showed me how to put a smile on my face even when I'm angry, she taught me the importance of being a good mom and wife, and she helped me be who I am today. It is a wonder that I have a mom like her but I do and I can only hope that one day my kids will be as grateful for me as I am for her. Happy Mothers Day Mom, you are one in a million and I Love You.

Meet Megs' Mum

Introducing my Mum, Margaret!

When is your birthday? June 13

How Many kids do you have? Five

What is your favorite color? Orange

Favorite food? Pancake mozzarella 

What is your favorite TV show? Call the midwife 

Favorite flower? Freesias

Favorite perfume? Paris by YSL

Tell us some fun facts about you:

I Love my family and want to spend all my time with them.

I love to laugh,

I love to make others laugh.

How did you feel the first time you found out you were going to be a mum? I was scared and excited at the same time.

   I know this goes without saying, but I love my Mum. Not just because she is my mum, but because she is the kindest, strongest, most loving, patient and nurturing woman, I know. We live on opposite sides of the world, but somehow, she always knows how to make me feel better when I need it.  She knows me in a way that nobody else ever could. She gives the best advice, she knows when to encourage me and when to put me in my place. She hates when I call her cute, but she totally is! She loves to joke around and have fun and is totally corny in the best kind of way. One of the most precious things in the world to me is seeing my Mum with my kids, whether it be in person (which, unfortunately is rare) or on FaceTime. Both my boys adore her! There is no doubt in my mind that this incredible, beautiful woman was put on this earth to be a Mum and Nanna to my boys, and what a wonderful one she is!

Meet the Parents: Mom Edition

We love ALL moms here at The Sweatpants Confessionals, but there is nobody we love more than our own. So over the next few days, we will be introducing you all to our wonderful Moms! Enjoy!

Diamond Candle Giveaway!

In honor of Mother's Day this coming Sunday, we have decided to give away a delicious smelling ring candle to one lucky winner!
The giveaway ends this Saturday at 11:00pm EST and a random winner will be drawn and announced Sunday!

Enter via the widget below and if you just can't wait to find out if you win, click here to get 20% off your order!

Entry-Form

Where did the time go?

   There are nights like tonight that I sometimes wonder why do I continue to breastfeed? Why did I not take the "easy way out" and give my baby boy formula and "to fill him up" so he would sleep through the night?? 

   No. It is not a fact that formula fed babies sleep through the night or is even the easy way, but that's what everyone has always said or implied to me... 

"Erin, your baby should be sleeping through the night by at least 6months. Well at least my babies were! I did formula feed my kids though, so that's probably why..." 

   Like I said, I don't think that necessarily has anything to do with it and I definitely DO NOT believe being formula fed is the easy way out in any means, but on nights like tonight, where its 1am and my little boy is awake again to nurse and I am so very exhausted I can barely stand it, that's what I tell myself...

   Then it hit me... 

   Something so profound and special, it brought tears to my eyes and has changed my mind forever...

   As I lay here with my son in the darkness at 1am, him breastfeeding, sprawled across my body, I realized that this moment is not going to last forever...

I have already "blinked to many times", because some how Elijah went from being a day old to a little over a year old in a flash...  

Where did that time go?

Where did the time go, that he latched for the first time like a champ, but then slowly he forgot what he was doing and I had to reteach him again and again?

         Elijah's first Latch! 

Where did the times go, I sat and cried at night holding him against my breast trying my hardest because I knew that is what I wanted for my son, no matter if I was so exhausted and in pain that I wished it would end? 

Where did that one time go, I remember my son nursing and it was all of a sudden Amazing and painless? 

What happened to that magical moment?

Where did the time go when Elijah hurt himself and I was able to comfort him like nobody else ever could, by just latching him on? 

Where did that one time go he first smiled at me while nursing and my heart completely melted??

The first time he smiled at me while nursing! 

Where did that one time go I reached my biggest breastfeeding accomplishment of making it to a year of especially breastfeeding? 

Where did THAT time go?

   I could go on and on but my point is.... 

TIME GOES TO FAST! 

   We (mainly speaking for myself) need to stop wishing for time to go by and our little ones to grow up so fast! 

Enjoy them and all they do NOW!

Enjoy the bad as much as you in enjoy the good....

What?? Is that even possible?? 

   Yes it is... Maybe not in the moment but try to remind yourself it is only short term so you need to embrace it!

   Enjoy the silly and the distracted baby moments!

We (again speaking for myself.) let ourselves get so worked up over little things like our babies not nursing because they got distracted...but It is ok.

 I promise mama!!

 I wish I had known...

   They may not eat at that moment but they will eat, babies will NOT let themselves starve! 

...So breathe...

   And enjoy it, laugh it off, watch your baby enjoy the world and his or her surroundings! 

The world is a big, colorful, fun place and they just want to take it all in... Wouldn't you? 

   So as I lay here, breastfeeding my son, at now almost 2am, I will not complain about it anymore because time just flies right on by before our eyes! Instead, I will embrace and love this moment. I will remember the journey it took to get to here, and thank God every day that I was blessed with an amazing little boy who brightens every part of my day and was able to breastfeed when so many babies can't...

   I will not wish anything but for time to slow down and to enjoy my son NOW because before I know it will all be over, this is not just for breastfeeding but their lives in general, and I will have wished it hadn't!

   I will do ALL these things no matter what, because that is why I do what I do every night at 1am, maybe 3am,  4am , and who knows some days 5am.

   So I end this by kissing my baby boy on his head and embracing this moment for it is my Now that I want to last forever! <3

-Erin Chavez

Breastfeeding at his 1st Birthday party! 

Elijah Mason

   Today is an emotional but very special day for my family, it is April 9th, the day my husband's and my life changed forever... For the better!! 

Our sweet boy, Elijah Mason was welcomed with love and open arms into this crazy world, one year ago today...

       And this is his story! 

   After my husband and I got married, in June 2012, we opted out of using Birth control.  We are a very religious family, and starting a family was not something we took lightly and without the guidance of our Heavenly Father. We prayed very hard about if we were making a good decision by not preventing having children. After a few prayers and planning we knew we made the right decision. With some heartache and time, we got pregnant in July of 2013 (found out August 10th)!

We were over the moon... And scared as heck... But mostly over the moon! 

 

 

   I loved my pregnancy so much! Each day I carried my baby was such a blessing for me, I never took one day for granted. Though I did not like my morning sickness, extreme heartburn, and lack of sleep to much I would never trade having my son for anything... And honestly, I would probably be pregnant every day if I could!! HA! 

   I can remember the day I found out I was pregnant, to when I found out my baby's gender, to his birth like it was yesterday!

"It's a Boy!!"

  My pregnancy flew by so fast... I think being pregnant during the holiday season helped with that! 

Thank goodness!

The Christmas Season!

  It was such an exciting time  and bonding experience for Tony and I to be able to plan and think about our future with our son. 

It felt like the end of my pregnancy came too fast, but yet not fast enough! 

I had been dilated to a 1cm (which is nothing really) since 30 weeks and constant Braxton hicks since 20 weeks... I wanted Elijah to wait as long as possible to come but yet I wanted him to be in my arms every day...

After dropping at 35 weeks I knew, like I did my whole pregnancy, my was son was going to come early! 

   I woke up April 8th (38weeks 2 days pregnant) around 6am feeling a little off. I just laid in bed knowing that something was up, when all of the sudden I felt this weird peeing sensation. I was pretty sure that my water had just broken or at least started. I ran into the bathroom because I really really didn't want my water to fully explode all over my new sweats and bed... Priorities, I know.... I went to the restroom to check and that is when I noticed I lost my mucus plug and had my bloody show, on top of my water breaking! I sat on the toilet for a good loooong while figuring out what I needed to do. I then got up grabbed a towel, a pair of Tony's basketball shorts, and then laid back in bed for a bit while tony slept. I figured if I was going into labor he needed all the rest he can get, as did I. Then about 15mins of laying in bed my contractions at that point pretty much came on full force... I left the room and called a good friend of mine, who studied to be a doula. We talked for a bit and tried to make sure it was my water breaking and if I was actually going into labor, we decided I was definitely having early labor, so she finally she suggested me to go rest just Incase we were right. I rested for like 20mins because I realized my apartment was a mess and I didn't wanna return home, with a baby, to a disaster!

   Finally, after about an hour and a half of being awake, Tony woke up for work and I explained what was going on. He was hesitant, but I sent him to work, since I didn't see the need for him to waste a day standing around while I didn't do much...

I did have a friend come over around 9am to keep me company and incase of an emergency. 

   She cleaned some, we watched Frozen, ate food, she painted my nails all while I was having contractions about every 7 mins apart. Then I realized I needed a few last minute items for the hospital for when we got home (pads and granny panties, all that fun stuff) so we went to target, then Burlington's. 

   Which leads to a funny story. When we were at Burlington's while checking out, I started to have this huge contraction while I was trying to pay and I apparently threw my debit card at the cashier because I was hurting and not focusing... Oops.... and on top of that my friend was just standing there timing my contraction, needless to say we looked quite ridiculous and I am pretty sure we freaked the cashier out! Hahaha. 

   My laboring belly at my friend's house! 

   The rest of the day after that was pretty laid back, I just labored intensely and hung out at my friend's house until tony got home from work. Once he arrived we ate dinner, my water broke the rest of the way finally, and then headed out to the hospital to get admitted seeing my contractions were now 2-3mins apart and I was in so much pain at this point.

 

...Longest car ride ever....

   Once we arrived (8:45pm)

it took 30 mins of standing in the lobby trying to find my preregistration crap and medical files... Finally, they realized I was dying so they sent me up to triage to get all

Situated and would have Tony come back down to take care of everything. 

Luckily, by the time we made it to the bed they found my info so Tony was able to stay with me the whole time... Once in triage I got Into this "adorable" hospital gown and waited to be checked. 

Didn't I look great?? 

Falling asleep on the job... Jk!

   When we got all changed and situated they came and checked me, I was dilated a 2cm and 80% effaced. I remember being soooo mad because I had labored all day and was already dilated to a 1cm since 30 weeks! 

After all that, I got hooked up to some antibiotic because my water has broken for longer then 12hrs... My contractions started to pick up and became very intense at this point. They were 1-2mins apart and I was getting really frustrated because I wanted to be in delivery our room already.... 

  Finally we got to our room a little over an hour later (10:30 pm), where my friend (who had been with all day), my mom, and dad joined us. It was great to have everyone there but unfortunately the moment we walked into ou room my contractions went from 1-2mins to 30sec apart... I thought I was gonna die. Though I remember everyone telling me I was surprisingly calm and during my contractions!

 The nurse checked me about 11:30 pm and I had dilated between a 3 or 4, 90% effaced, and his head descended to a 0. 

   Many of my friends and family know I really wanted an all natural (or as close as possible) birth but after battling with myself for about 45mins if I wanted/needed an epidural or not, I gave in... My friend who came as support did her best to convince me out of the epidural like I asked her to do! 

But I knew my body was getting so weak and with the only bearable position I could labor in being standing, since I was laboring solely in my back, I had no more strength and couldn't do it anymore. I remember shaking so badly...

The nurse tried to put me in a new position on the bed and it just made it worse so in that moment I prayed for strength and I knew I that I need an epidural so I could fully enjoy my son coming...

Ya know, just laboring....

Right before I got my epidural and my husband telling me it was ok and to trust my instincts!

 We told the nurse and I was about 6-7cm at this point, so we called the guy in to get my epidural done and over with.  Another funny thing that happened during all this, I remember yelling at the guy who administers the epidural for taking to long as I was clearly dying from labor! Lol. He didn't hurry any faster,... Anyways, finally I had the epidural, after 20 hrs of back labor, things calmed down and smoothly from then on out:)

    I was able to laugh, enjoy my company, and actually focus on my reason for being there and not the pain I was in. 3 hrs later my nurse came and checked on me and said I was at a 9cm, 100% effaced and baby was at a 1+ (meaning his head was fully engaged in my pelvis) and I was to ready to push. Instead of letting me push, she let me labor for another 45mins until my doctor arrived.

 Once my doctor arrived it was time to start pushing!

I remember thinking, I was just about to meet my son for the first time! All my wonder of what he would look like, what he would be like, and so much more, was about to discovered! I was nervous but yet so so excited! 

This was it, I was about to become a mom FOREVER! 

 

So we began to push....

5 perfect strong pushes later at 7:09 am, on April 9th, Elijah Mason Chavez was born. 

I was an emotional wreck... But who isn't after 26hrs of labor and giving birth?!

Love at first sight! 

 It was worth all the pain, stress, and everything in between!!!! 

<3

I love my son so much I can't even imagine my life with out him💙 

He is only 1 years old but has changed my life forever!!! 

We are so blessed to have such a fun spirited, snuggly, sweet little boy, who can bring a smile to anyone's face.

     Being a charmer! 

This year flew by with just a blink and it gets me emotional thinking that in just 18 more "blinks" and he will be heading out on his own, hopefully becoming the man, his father and I dreamt and raised him to be.

 Elijah has shown us so much for being such a little guy, he has given a new meaning to life and love, without him our world would be empty! 

😍 

HAPPY 1st BIRTHDAY my Sweet Sweet Baby Boy!

 We love you so much, words can't barely describe it!

1yr down and eternity to go!!!

     Easter, April 4th, nearly a year old!!

           Happy Birthday buddy!!